Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Baby, It's Cold Outside

It's true, it's raw out there. The temp. is dropping as we speak. Rather than cozy up with your honey by the fire, cozy up with Your Movie Buddy and take a look my Top Ten Films About Chilly Weather:

10. Cliffhanger: This 1993 action flick set atop snowy peaks is, dare I say it, Stallone's best film. What, you like Rocky and Rambo better? Well, that's your prerogative. Go see the ill-conceived sequels. Personally, I'm not into 60-year-old men who still use steroids. 45-year-old's? Fair game.

9. Stepmom
: I know what you're thinking: this 1998 weepie with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon made the list because it's set around Christmas, and characters ride horses in the snow. Right? Wrong. It's here solely for the part when Jena Malone's character tells Julia's character that her ex-boyfriend, Brad Kovitzky, called her "Frosty the Snow Bitch." Classic.

8. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
: In this inferior sequel, Bruce "my ex-wife's with my grandson" Willis' John McClane ends a fight with a bad guy by jabbing him in the eye with an icicle. You know, they do say it's the perfect crime...the evidence just melts away...

7. Cool as Ice
: That's right, Vanilla Ice made a movie, back in 1991. Don't ask me what it's about, I sure as hell never saw it. However, I had to put it on here - just look at that photo! I'd imagine that this guy wakes up every day wondering which embarassing decision he's gonna have to live down for the next 14 hours.

6. Blow
: As a real-life slinger of another kind of white powder, Johnny Depp struts to "Black Betty" and gets busted by the cops about 57 times. Pee-Wee Herman makes a cameo, and in a crucial sequence, Penelope Cruz sells Depp out and calls him a "fagoot." Now, that's cold.

5. Basic Instinct: This erotic, iconic movie actually takes place in sunny San Francisco. But when Sharon Stone's Catherine Trammell isn't showing off her naughty bits to legions of dorky young virgins, she's out offing people with an ice pick.

4. The Shining: In this horror classic, Jack Nicholson's crazed hotel overseer chases his son through a topiary maze in the film's climax. It's the dead of winter in Vermont, and when Jack gets lost trying to find little Danny, the sub-zero temperatures turn him into a Jack-sicle.

3. The Devil Wears Prada
: Not a cold weather movie, you say? Puh-lease! As editrix Miranda Priestly, her heiness Meryl Streep plays the coldest bitch in Manhattan, and rocks an icy white coif to match. Take a tip from her, for she'd never let "some absurd weather problem" get in her way. After all, she's got places to go, like the twins' recital - "AT SCHOOL!"

2. Away From Her: Sarah Polley's gorgeous film starring this year's Oscar front-runner, Julie Christie, has the soft light of winter coursing through its veins. And Christie's long, silver hair shines like a beautiful frozen waterfall. I mean...wow...I'm so sorry.

1. Fargo: Before they conquered the world and made a household name out of Javier Bardem with No Country for Old Men, the Coen Brothers crafted this brilliant thriller set in the snow-blanketed Midwest. Will this movie make you wary of your neighbor with the wood chipper? You betcha!

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