Your Ads Have Been Adjusted: NYC Subway Movie Posters

Last week I spent three days in New York (yay!), and thankfully left town just as Maksim Gelman was in the midst of his very scary killing spree. Me, I wasn't stabbing people in the subway, but checking out the many landscape-format superposters that line the underground walls. These are the filmic images that thousands of folks gaze at every day, and they undoubtedly influence a whole lot of movie-ticket purchases. But how many people look closer? How many are content with the movie ads they're fed? I wasn't, and here's what I gathered (anger alert!). 

First we have the new one-sheets for "The Adjustment Bureau," which are waiting for you around just about every other corner in Midtown. This film has seemed pretty banal to me from the get-go, so I'm not about to be swayed by any new approach to its marketing; however, I will say I like the sleeked-out look, a sort of silver-nitrate-dipped update of a certain 2007 poster. These babies feature glossy, doctored shots of stars Emily Blunt, John Slattery and Matt Damon, the latter of whom looks the most striking -- not, mind you, because he's giving that inquisitive, action-hero stare, but because Matt Damon hasn't looked that good IN YEARS. Perhaps these pics were snapped at the start of this film's ages-ago shoot, but the more likely scenario is that somebody's taking some serious Photoshop liberties. The last time I saw Matt Damon in a magazine, he looked like my uncle (and he's OLD).

False. Advertising.

And speaking of obnoxiously. clipping. words. with. periods., the poster for "Take Me Home Tonight," with its "Best. Night. Ever." tagline, has made it unequivocally official: "Best/Worst. ___________. Ever." is no longer cool or acceptable by any means. In a very short amount of time, I've heard it in at least two Super Bowl ads, another commercial, seen it in magazines, and seen it on this poster. We've jumped the shark with this one, kids. It was hip for a hot minute when it was blowing up people's Facebook walls, but the marketing powers that be have now harnessed it and butchered it as per usual. I hereby declare that those who pull the "Best/Worst. ___________. Ever." card in my presence will get a wicked stink eye and a high sh*t-list placement. It's just. not. cool. anymore.

Oh My Gooood, and then there's "Just Go With It," a Hollywood project that's just so pathetically tragic. The title is fist-to-the-gut indicative of our pushover moviegoing public, who will totally heed the call and send this sure-to-be-nightmare to top of the charts.



Don't tempt me with those fists, Sandler



And what the hell is going on with Jennifer Aniston's career? The hubby and I have been watching "Friends" reruns lately, and all I keep thinking about is how low Rachel Green has plummeted. Does her agent actually hate her guts, or does she just have the worst taste of any major actress? The probable answer, at least to why she boarded this particular ship, is Adam Sandler offered her an enormous check, just as he did his fellow laugh- and life-syphoners in "Grown Ups." Which is pretty much where the conversation ends with me in terms of any future Sandler project. I will never forgive him for "Grown Ups." Ever. Not even if "Big Daddy 2" came out and starred puppies instead of blonde 8-year-olds. "What do you define as the lowest depth of misery?" Vanity Fair's Proust Questionaire asks each month. "Just Go With It" would probably be a good place to start.

Then, of course, we have...

...well, we'll just leave that one be.